It's 2011. This is the year that both my children will be school-aged. The older one will be in grade 4; the younger one will finally start kindergarten. As optimistic as I should be, I find myself reflecting on all the great years I had being able to stay at home with the both of them - not to be confused with any reality hitting me of getting back into the workforce or anything like that. Thanks to my great husband, finding work is just an option.
It's now just the turn of summertime. School hasn't quite ended just yet, but I can't help but look forward - way forward, into the upcoming school year. What a buzzkill I am for thinking this way right now. I should just relish in the 3 months of summer vacation ahead of us, but I keep thinking of August to come. I have mixed emotions of what I want to do next.
I guess what I am trying to say is that never before did I have this opportunity to choose what I wanted to do so freely. It's all so weird to me. Do I find a job? I've struggled to allow myself to keep an open mind about just being a stay-at-home mom. Everyone touts, "Being one IS a full-time job!" Yes. Yes. I know this. I've lived it happily and thankfully for the past 2 1/2 years. It's been wonderful and there is nothing that could actually replace all that I've accomplished for myself and my family throughout these years...nothing. Do I start a hobby? Nope. Not the hobby type. The question is, "What do 'I' want to do now?"
The complexity is this. All my life, I've been instilled to work hard. Work hard. What does that equate to for me? Well, for starters, it was go to school. Then it was, get a job to continue to pay for your education. Then it was, get your degree. Then it was still, get a job/career, whatever creates income. Now, as a family, it is to maintain their well-being. I'm not saying that it is easy to keep the momentum going for our daily lives, but for some reason, I feel a lack of completeness without a "job" to do, one that pays, one that produces results, one that provides feedback, rewards/appraisals, incentives, recognition, etc. Anyone should realize all of that IS defined in the job of a parent - through their children. Strangely, I haven't instilled in myself yet that I should realize this and be quite satisfied by it all around me. I mean, seriously, the results of my happy and healthy children and husband should be apparent enough for me to understand, to realize, that THIS is my "job," the fruits of my labor, our labor. They are my reward, my recognition. All four of us are in it together. There is no doubt in my mind that I am very much appreciated by what I do here at home, my office. Neither my children nor my husband take me for granted (well, most of the time. haha!). This I know, and this I am thankful for.
"Freedom." "The light at the end of the tunnel." Aside from my personal, daily goals, what's there to do now that I have time to choose for me? My freedom, my light at the end, is still just the same...my family. I choose them. But the question still remains...with the time that I have, what do I do now to feel productive? I have to be very level-headed and realistic, at the same time, feel like the sky's the limit! Any and all suggestions are welcomed.
